I remember the first few days after Eli died that I thought I would never try to have another baby again. It was not because I thought something terrible might happen to them; it was because I did not feel like a fit mother to take care of another baby again. I think I mentioned before that I felt intense guilt over the death of Eli. I can remember in the hospital crying with my dad and he kept saying, “Tiffany you are the best mom I know.” I remember not hearing his words then, because I did not believe them at all. But doesn’t the devil want us to think bad thoughts about ourselves? Would the devil be happy knowing that I did not want any more children because of my depression? The answer: absolutely. Greg and knew that the devil would try to use this time to turn away from God.
After a couple of weeks of praying about when to start trying and talking about it with Greg we felt like if God wanted us to have another child, he would bless us with one. Sometimes I forget how much I rely on myself to make decisions; when God is my father who knows what is best for my life. I rely way too much on what I can do about a situation, instead of asking for God’s guidance.
So Greg and I trusted God in the matter of whether to add another little one to our family. One thing we really love about our family is that our kids are close in age and are each other’s best playmates. We knew that if we waited a long time than Jonah and the next little one might not get to play as much together with a bigger age gap.
We were very fortunate and conceived Reece right away. I think that his pregnancy was the easiest for me because I decided early on that I could try my hardest not to complain about being uncomfortable in my pregnancy. I was just so happy that another little one would be joining our family; that I treasured my pregnancy (which is different from my other three pregnancies). Let me explain that being pregnant is really hard on me; both emotionally and physically. I really like being comfortable and pregnancy is usually anything but comfortable. But my pregnancy with Reece was a lot more enjoyable. I knew what we had been through and I felt like nothing could be worse; certainly not being uncomfortable.
I found out at my ultrasound that we were having a boy. I was not sure how I felt about that. I felt like it I was going to have a girl then the girl baby would not remind me of Eli as much, as having a boy baby. I dealt with a lot of emotions during those nine months. I asked myself; will I be able to care for this baby? Will I be scared the entire time? Will this baby look a lot like Eli? Am I replacing Eli?
To the last question; Am I replacing Eli? I asked myself that a lot. And there is no way to replace a loved one. We are all unique precious gifts. God makes us all just a little bit differently. Any parent with multiple children know how different their children can be. I have one who is extremely strong-willed and loving at the same time. I have one who is very sneaky, shy, and so imaginative. I am not sure what type of personality Reece will have yet. He started crawling earlier than the other two. He also is a daddy’s boy (which all 3 other babies were mommy’s). After Greg and I had Eli we still did not believe our family was complete. So before he died we were still planning on having more children. So trying to get pregnant was not to replace Eli, but to bring another precious child into our family.
Was it too soon? No I do not think so. We conceived Reece as soon as we could. I was nursing when Eli died. So my fertility had not returned until I finally weaned from pumping (that will be another post). Reece has brought all of us so much joy. He is definitely different from Eli was as a baby and he is different from Leah and Jonah too! He has blond hair (sandy blond). I think that bringing a baby home is the most rewarding experiences filled with such love and happiness (yes exhaustion too). God sure knew what he was doing! I am so grateful that we trusted him to help guide us in our family.