Pain hurts! Life can get painful, both in the physical way and emotional. It hurts my heart to see one of my children dealing with something painful, I think it hurts me more! Living in a fallen world, leaves the effects of sin to muddy up God’s perfect creation. There is death, disease, famine, sickness, pain, loss, poverty, etc. Sometimes it is hard to see the light and good in this world; but it is there.
Recently we experienced our fourth miscarriage. Miscarriage is pain; it is hard. We had 2 miscarriages before we had our first baby Leah. Then we had another 3 children, then we had our 3rd miscarriage. A few months later we conceived and carried Maria to term. We were very excited about another baby to add to our family. I always take progesterone when I find out that I am expecting. I started taking it, I started to get the morning sickness (which lasts all day for me), and felt pretty tired and sick. Those signs are good for me, as I have not miscarried with feeling morning sickness before.
I wanted to have another home birth (my last was my first home birth), so I waited until I was 12 weeks for my first appointment. I was pretty sure the pregnancy would go to term since I had not miscarried that late before. The midwives do not perform an ultrasound like the OB office, but just listen to heart tones. They could not find the baby’s heart beat, but assured me that they cannot always hear the heartbeat at 12 weeks, and it was nothing to worry about. I made another appointment for 2 weeks later to try to hear the heart again. But I went home knowing in my heart, that this pregnancy might end in miscarriage. I started to mentally prepare myself if it came to that. I called my OB office and asked them what I should do if I started to bleed. I was glad that I called because 3 days after my midwife appointment I started bleeding. It was a Saturday and I had to go to the hospital to get a Rhogam shot (I have one each miscarriage/pregnancy/delivery). We were at the hospital a couple of hours where they did an ultrasound and confirmed that the baby had died. I decided to try to miscarry at home naturally like I had with my other 3 miscarriages.
I started to bleed more heavily the next day and stayed in bed resting. At dinner time, a friend from church brought us a wonderful dinner of bbq chicken. Since the meal was a messy meal, I decided to go downstairs and eat with the family instead of eating up in my room. After about 15 minutes downstairs, I suddenly became very dizzy. I told Greg I better go rest and I almost did not make it up the stairs and to the bathroom first. I had to hold on to the steps and wall to keep from falling. At this point I knew that I had better call. I first called my midwife and she told me to walk around for 30 minutes and if I could not do that without getting dizzy then I needed to go to the hospital. I got up and moved around for about 8 minutes before I had to rest, and I asked Greg how I looked. He said, you look really white, we need to go. Greg is very relaxed about things and does not overreact, he tends to under react about things; so I knew we had better go. Greg’s parents came to stay with our kids, and we headed back to the hospital. They were very surprised by how much blood I had lost and continued to lose. Apparently sometimes your body cannot pass everything and it just keeps bleeding and bleeding try, but will never. So I had to have a D and C.
I have never had a D and C or had any type of minor/major surgery. They gave me a spinal for the pain, and I was awake the entire time. It was really hard after as I did not have any feeling in my feet/legs and could not go to the bathroom unassisted. It was really late in the night at this point (2am) and we just wanted to go home. A little while later, we were able to go home.
But here is why I wanted to write this blog post. Once the D and C were over, they wheeled me to a recovery room. A nurse had to stay in my room for a while to monitor that I was doing fine. I was laying there on the bed (I could not move) when God really spoke to my heart to talk to this nurse. I asked if she was married (yes). I asked if she has children (no). She told me that she just experienced her first miscarriage and D and C about 2 month before. She then explained how she was nervous they might have trouble getting pregnant, and really wanted to be a mom. My first miscarriage was so hard and devastating for both Greg and I. I still remember it in detail. My heart ached for this dear nurse. I did talk to her about charting her cycle and natural family planning signs and told her how great God created our bodies to tell us when we are fertile. I know we have broken bodies since they do not always work like God intended due to sin, but I know a number of women who have had success charting. I knew God was asking me to pray for her. I asked her if I could and she said yes. It was such a tender and beautiful moment in that tiny recovery room with the nurse, Greg, myself, and God. I was able to minister to her, through my own pain, and my own experiences with miscarriage and infant loss.
I do remember her asking how I was able to pray for her, when I was going through my pain. I told her that God was using me. I told her that God was giving me peace through my sufferings. I did mourn this pregnancy, very much, but I also knew that I would have another little one to hold in heaven. I take comfort in that. Without that promise I could not imagine how to deal with this pain and loss.
My hope in sharing this blog post is to encourage you to reach out to someone who has been where you have been. To listen when God is directing your steps. Even when it is hard, it is always a blessing to step out in obedience. That nurse brought me comfort through my pain, but being able to share with her. While it may have looked like I was blessing her; she was really the blessing of the night to me.
If you have suffered a miscarriage in the past; I am so sorry. I understand the feelings of loss. I pray that you find comfort in knowing that your little one is waiting for you in heaven with Jesus holding on to him or her.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song I give thanks to him.
8 The Lord is the strength of his people;[a]
he is the saving refuge of his anointed.
9 Oh, save your people and bless your heritage!
Be their shepherd and carry them forever.
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”